Moments

A LOT Of Changes

2009-02-23T04:46:39Z

Okay, so not updating this thing like I used to means that EVERYTHING has changed since I last posted. I may post some things I put up on Facebook just so that people can see what's going on. I really need to use this more and was inspired by some friends to start up on it again. Anyway, Steve and I are done. I'm with someone else. Umm...I lost my job. I graduated from Northampton with my associates, and am applying to schools all over the country for the fall. Tomorrow, I start a new job with the Arc of Morris County. Basically, I will be working in a home for the developmentally disabled, caring for the people who live there. I believe there are six individuals, from what I hear, all of them are non-verbal. I am really nervous about the job, but I need to be grateful that I have a job right now, and pray for the willingness to be open-minded tomorrow.
The new relationship definitely has its ups and downs. I need to start dealing with my fears, because they are causing harm on both ends. I did a lot of reaching out today, and I feel positive about the days ahead. Instead of doing massive updates once every few months, I'll really try to keep this thing going. We'll see how that works out =)

Wow

2008-10-23T06:35:37Z

I'm really bad at catching up on this thing, but I'm not going to give up - it's amazing I've been able to keep a journal for this long! I suppose life is good. I'm really starting to make friends here in NJ and feel connected. I'm getting my associates degree (God willing all of my classes go alright) in December, and I'm stoked about that. So now, I'm in the middle of trying to prepare for January admissions, but I'm so strung that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. Im stressed to the point of shutting down, and if I don't "wake up" soon, I'm going to do some serious damage to my GPA. So anyway, tomorrow I am going to do something I should be doing every day, and meditate and pray. It always helps, but for some reason I don't use it enough. Anyway, it's way late, but I just thought about LJ, and wanted to update really quick. Ciao!

Seeing New Places

2008-03-19T19:55:54Z

I decided to pick up a trip out of Denver, and so far its been a great experience, mainly because of the beautiful mountains I get to see when I look out the window! This country is full of so many amazingly beautiful places! I'll fill in more later, because I have to get ready for work, but I just have to say - the two new states I've visited - Colorado, and Idaho - are BEAUTIFUL! I'll fill in more on my life and stuff tomorrow, because its about damn time!

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Life is crazy!!!

2008-02-22T05:02:18Z

Nothing is bad, life is just crazy busy! Let's see what's happening....I got a promotion! I have been admitted into the check flight attendant class on March 12, and as long as I pass the exams, we'll just say it's a raise, and I love the idea of teaching and helping others, so now I'll just get paid for it!
Steve and I have an apartment as of March 1st in Fair Lawn, NJ (his home town). In the last two days, we have completed our bedroom set. I wish I had more money to give him, but thankfully, we got good deals on everything. We kind of splurged on the Sleep Number bed (heck, who wouldn't?), but we got an entire bedroom set (real wood, really nice contemporary style) for $1200! I think that's a good deal, no? Next is the living room. I think Steve is buying the TV's tomorrow (or at least one of them). He got the cable, phone and internet turned on today. I got the electricity turned on yesterday, we sign the least on Tuesday! Lots of craziness!
In the meantime, the house in Commack is still not for sale, but we're working on it! I'm looking forward to a new carpet in my bedroom here next week.
I suppose I'll miss being at home, but I don't think I'm going to be home that much less. I promised my mom I would still come home at least overnight every other week, and Steve is totally fine with that. I can't go too long without seeing my dog and my cats!!! Or my mom and sister - LOL.
Anyway...time for a gratitude list, then off to clean and get ready for work. I'm not going to get much sleep tonight.

(1) The new apartment!
(2) An awesome sponsor
(3) A great boyfriend who is being patient through my financial trials an tribulations.
(4) A mother who is doing the same as above!
(5) The promotion!
(6) Having the opportunity to do school right this time.
(7) Looking at the Smart Car yesterday (everyone should check that thing out - it's sooooo cool!)
(8) Seeing Steph, Melinda, and Dave yesterday when they came over for dinner and dessert!
(9) Remembering to pray today.
(10) Talking to Stephen (my Texan BFF) and hearing that he prays for me. The prayers might just be working!

What the wedding app said...and life...

2008-02-03T06:54:09Z

This wedding app thing I filled out on Facebook said I would be married in 1 year and 9 months! LOL I don't know about any of that, but...maybe soon after =p
Key West was beautiful as always, but we were sick the entire time. I've barely eaten in days. So Steven's birthday was spent laying on the beach, laying by the pool, shopping a bit, walking a bit, and sleeping. I brought him a mini breakfast in bed and got him a morning massage which he enjoyed. He wanted to try this cheeseburger place for dinner, but neither of us could eat, and the place actually kind of sucked. What luck! But he made a great point - be sick in NY where it's 20 degrees, or be sick in Key West where it's 80? I'll ALWAYS take the keys!
We stayed at the Double Tree Grand Key Resort - that place is freakin' awesome! And for the price? Highly recommended!
I got an AWESOME non-leather purse too =)
But anyway, I had to call in sick for my next three day because I can barely talk, so I have the next 6 days off. I REALLY want to take that time to catch up, because I have a lot to catch up on with school, and I need to be helping out with the house as much as I can as well, but I also need to rest.
One REALLY good thing going on? I have quit smoking for OVER A MONTH NOW!!! AND...I haven't put any weight on!! I'm still at my all time low. I'm sure this smoothie diet I'm on now that I'm sick is helping - LOL!
I had a dream, and one of my good friends (Matt K) was in it. It was one of the nights I was really, really sick and he said "Cait, you're doing too much. You need to slow down!" Dream or not, I think I get the point. Summer can't come quickly enough!

UGH!

2008-01-29T04:29:43Z

I am just NOT in a good space. This job I have, as "glamorous" as everyone thinks it is, doesn't pay!!! I'm back to living from paycheck to paycheck and I can't afford for that to be happening! And to think that Christmas spending was a big component in this. UGH! AHHHH! I'm starting to think that I might have to quit my job, or make some serious adjustments. I'm not sure exactly what that means yet. Might mean working a ton more - being even more tired - being away from home even more, while school work is piling up on me and I'm so busy that school is just tearing me apart and I can't care anymore. Another semester on the deans list. I don't want to blow it but I'm sooooo stressed! I'm going to Florida in a couple of days, with no money. It's just going to get worse. I feel so disconnected from the world. It's this job. I come home once every two weeks. Why would anyone want to talk to me? I'm never around!
I had better get some sleep.
Florida is going to be good, even if I can't afford it. Can't wait for that tax return!! It might just save my life. LOL

Exhaustion

2008-01-23T05:11:06Z

The last two trips have sucked, because I have been flying with the biggest idiots ever! I think I'm going to have to buddy bid in March, because this is absurd. I've never dreaded going to work, but next month (Feb), I don't fly with ONE person that I like. As a matter of fact, I can't stand any of them! How am I going to get through the month? UGH!
Just got home to Long Island. Steve picked me up at the airport. I have assignments due tomorrow but I'm just too tired to stay up and do them right now. I think I'm going to have to get some sleep and worry about them tomorrow. I have until midnight anyway.
I'm just depressed. Coming home to this house is depressing, and yet I don't want to lose it. But we're not losing it anytime soon, because it's nowhere near being ready to be put on the market! Hell, at this rate, we'll be here next Christmas too. Shit... The only good thing is possibly getting one more summer out of the deal. That would be hot....because I don't think my mom is moving anywhere near the ocean - which blows.
I'm falling asleep...tomorrow will be a better day.

To 2007

2007-12-29T03:45:46Z

What a year. I don't even know where to start, but I think I'm looking at what's ahead with anxiety and relief at the same time. I just celebrated my final Christmas in the home I've been in and out of (but here enough) for the last ten years. I took this home for granted for a long time, because I thought that it would always be here, and that Long Island and the people here would always be around when I came home. Things change.
I started this year off living in Virginia, and because of whatever circumstances, decided to move back to Long Island - which nobody even believed when I told them! I hadn't "lived" here since high school really. It was different being back this time around. I spent most of my time home with my family, and it was really nice, until of course, my dad got sick.
In the meantime, I was (and still am) doing very well in my job, school, and my recovery. I was inducted into the International Honor Society, am a part of the honors program....I speak for people in the rooms a lot because people respect what I have...I made tons of new friends over this past year...I really was on top of the world with no thought of falling.
Then my dad got sick. Then, in the middle of a six day trip, I found out he wasn't going to make it. Exactly a week later, he died. Thankfully, I made it home three days prior to his death. The most horrible moment in my family's life has been something that we have been able to overcome greatly with the AMAZING support of family and friends. The worst thing ever to happen....showed me the love and support of SO many people.
I made a decision soon after my dad's passing that my life was not going to stop. I was going to continue to work hard in school, continue the job that I loved, and continue with the life that I have chosen to live. While it was more of a struggle this past semester than previously, I made it through, and I did alright. It wasn't easy, not for one second. There were many moments that it seemed easier to give up on everything than to carry on, because I was doing a lot. Recently, things became so hectic for me that keeping in touch with my friends was near impossible. I pushed forward.
In the meantime, a lot was happening in my extended family - good and bad. A few funerals were followed by an awesome wedding. Christmas this year brought a lot of emotions up for all of us. And yet, we had eachother to get through. We did it.
I didn't wake up yesterday morning feeling sorry for myself. I woke up grateful for the house I was in, the bed I was sleeping in, and the company I was gong to have on Christmas day. We all worked hard to make sure there were gifts under the tree, and there were, but what mattered is that whether it sucked or not, we got through it. All of us. Together.
My life has changed in ways I can't even tell you this year. I've learned the value of family and friends. I've learned that hard work really does pay off in the end. I learned that consequences from the past don't magically dissapear, but if I keep working at it, I can make things better. It just takes time. I learned that time is the healer of everything. I've learned to judge less, and give second chances, despite fear of doing so. This summer, this learning experience really paid off as I reconnected with a lot of people that I missed greatly.
2008 will bring forth more changes. I should finally be done with one degree. 2 or 3 to go! I'll be transferring to finish up my two bachelors degrees. In the next few months, I'll be moving out of this house and into an apartment in New Jersey with Steve. Yes - it's actually happening. We're looking at apartments next week. It's exciting and scary. Steve and I have been learning a great deal from eachother, and we think we're ready to take the next step, and I'm so grateful that he's in my life. My mom and sister will sell this house, and move...somewhere. While there are three possibilities of where they are going as of now, God only knows. I'll leave this one to him. I have conference too look forward to in July - I can't wait already! I have lots of travels to look forward to. I'm in my cousin's bridal party, and they're getting married in about a year! Another cousin just got engaged. Here's to new beginnings!
Even in the next week, I have a lot to look forward to. On Saturday, is the Brady Family Christmas - for those of you who don't know.....my mom is one of 10 kids, and her whole side of the family gathers for this huge party and it's amazing. Sunday, I'm going swing dancing in Manhattan with some friends and cousins, and it's going to be an absolute blast!
Despite everything, I am so lucky for the people I have in my life - at work, in my family, in my fellowship, people I've known for years, people I've met randomly on airplanes and had deep conversations with. God gave me all of you for a reason. So if you're in my life, thank you for being there.
My new years resolution is a promise that I made to Steve - that I would NEVER smoke again. I plan on keeping my word. And I guess that's that.
If you could - please keep my family in your prayers. We still need them, especially when it comes to selling the house in the market we have right now. I must say though, for this moment, things are looking up for me. I see light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and I wish everyone the best in 2008.

What I'm Sick Of

2007-10-14T04:58:52Z

Flakes. I am sick of people who are your best friends when you're around, and could care less about you when you're gone. They're freakin' everywhere. If people wonder why I don't waste my time getting to know new people unless it involves work or the other group I'm a part of, that's why. A lot of those people are flakes too, but I have to deal with them...well..because I have to, at least until the job is done.
Then most of those people are gone too.
It's freakin' everywhere...
And it's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to even reach out to people because I'm afraid that they're going to be that way, so I don't. Does that make me a flake too? Shit...
Even worse - today was just the icing on the cake. I am SO SO SO sick of people calling me to talk about themselves, and nothing but themselves. I'll give you an example from back in June, and won't say who it was.
Other Person: "Hey, what's up, you haven't called me back, where have you been?"
Me: "Ehh, it's kind of been a bad few weeks, sorry I haven't been able to call you back, my dad passed away."
Other Person: "Oh. Sorry."
(OH SORRY!!!!)
Me: "So, what's up?"
Other Person: "I'm having such a bad day today...."
and it goes on, and on, and on, about his day, about his life. And that's the only time he calls me!!!
There was another person who did something similar, but wanted to talk about his girl problems.
Look, I don't mind helping people out, or listening to people, or whatever. I actually love being able to be there for my friends...but when the same people call me and always do the same thing, and don't seem to care the least bit about what I have to say, I get sick of it!!
That makes sense, right?
Anyway....that's my rant and rave for the day.
I'm in Houston. Overwhelmed with school work. Haven't had time for much of anything else...not even on my days off.
This week, there was another funeral. My cousins lost their grandfather. My aunt lost her father. I know how that goes. Life isn't fair.
I'm actually okay, really I am...just frustrated. Just procrasinating on the homework assignment I have to finish...
So if I was supposed to call you and haven't, I'm really sorry. Life hasn't stopped. I shouldn't even be typing this, I should either be sleeping or doing homework. It's not personal. I mean...I guess I could call you at 2am =)
Anyway, I'm going to shut up now.
Thanks for letting me share!
Hahaha

The Latest and the Greatest!

2007-09-22T04:06:28Z

Just taking a break from my crazy life here. I just finished my first exam for social work, and I got an 87% on it. Not good...anyway...I've been home on Long Island for almost two days. I just came back from recurrent flight attendant training in Indianapolis. It's a yearly thing that is NOT fun, but what was fun was reuniting with friends and classmates (well...for the most part - LOL). One particular individual annoyed the CRAP out of me, but that's okay! Anyway... after training ended I went out to the bars with Sarah and Corinne, and it was a blast! I drank water all night and smoked cigs, but I went dancing too, and I really enjoyed it....UNTIL...my camera got stolen. I don't know how it happened, but I probably didn't close my purse and it fell out or something, or someone just jacked it. Either way, whoever found it didn't turn it in, and they got a free three month old camera. I was really pissed but my girls kept it in perspective for me, because they rock. That majorly blew, I must say, but Steve is being wonderful (as always) and is buying me a new one for my birthday that is MUCH nicer than the one I had anyway, so I suppose it's all good. I won't be able to take pictures at my cousin's bridal shower tomorrow, but things could be worse.
Next month, I'm back to my DCA base (YEAH!) and I'm hoping to spend some time with my former roomies in DC, because I miss them, and I really missed hanging out with Alcora too, so it's all good stuff going back there! I'm looking at a car this week, and get this - it's a Mercedes Benz!!! AHHHHHH! It's an old one, but still! The mileage is pretty low, it's black, and it has a sunroof! I'm getting a really good deal on it. I'll definitely post pics the day I get it (if I do). Though I do need to know (if somebody knows) what are oil changes going to cost on that thing? Can I go to a regular place? I know I'm going to have to fill it up with premium gas, but other than that, will there be a difference in upkeep price, and if so, is it a huge difference? If anyone knows, that would be a huge help to me. What's even more exciting than looking at the car this week is having lunch with Jackie again! Yay! The week after, I go to St. Louis again, and Steve is flying out with me, we're going to rent a car, and hopefully go up the arch!
Then it's my birthday, and I'm 25, so I can rent a car! Most people could care less, but I do care because it'll be awesome to be able to rent cars on my overnights if I want to go somewhere, so maybe I will!
I think that's about it for now. I have to go pack for my four day trip. This week...Columbus, Charlotte, St. Louis.
Later!

dazedndreamin @ 2007-08-22T09:47:00

2007-08-22T14:10:38Z

Everything is just crazy. Here is the first moment that I've honestly had time to post a journal entry....since the last time I did (duh...yeah...anyway...). Life is kind of sucking right now. My days off are overwhelmed with packing, painting, cleaning....I haven't had a day to rest in God knows how long - I honestly can't remember. The last few days, I've been super depressed. I've been feeling like I'm getting sick for the second time in a month. The weather up here SUCKS. I mean, I'm wearing sweatshirts in August (ugh!). It might be too cold to go surfing like I wanted to, although the water is probably warm. It might actually be warmer than it is outside...lol.
I start school on Monday, I'm looking forward to it. Just one more thing to keep my mind occupied.
In the past week, I've stayed quite busy. I was in Buffalo for one overnight, and Mike and his new girlfriend Danielle came down and met up with Michelle (the other flight attendant) and I and we went to Canada and pulled an all-nighter at the casino. I lost 40 bucks, and that was probablys stupid, but whatever. We had fun. Danielle is cool. However, I don't think I could do an all-nighter like that again. The next day, Michelle and I overnighted in Bangor, Maine, and I wanted to take a short walk, that ended up being about 6 miles long! It was great for me, but not when I'm so tired. Then I had out and backs in Philly for two days, and those are the most exhausting because by the time I get back to Adam's (my friend that I stay with when I'm working in Philly), eat, check my e-mail and stuff, and get to bed, I get minimal work done before I have to go to sleep, get minimal sleep, and then get back up to go to work. Yesterday I was so tired, I took a taxi and wasted another 30 bucks, just so I could sleep another 45 minutes. That's how tired I am.
Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and she said she had a good day. We took her to one of her favorite restaurants - my sister, the boyfriends, and three of my mom's sisters, and we had a good time. All that mattered to me was that she had a good day, so if she's happy, I'm happy.
Anyway, I wish I was in a better mood, I wish things were better. I'm still glad to have my job, glad to have Steve, glad to have my family....
Things just suck right now.
The bills are overwhelming. Tell me - how do I get a 4.0 grade point average last semester with a cummulative of a 3.74 and not get a DIME of scholarship money?! NOT A DIME? And how do I make (by the books) like 18,000 a year and not get a dime of financial aid? It just frustrates me, because I worked my ass off for these grades, and worked my ass off for the last year to pay my tuition out of pocket. I think I need to move to another freakin' country. An acquaintance of mine just moved to Sweden a few months ago, and they PAY him to go to college! UGH! Anyway, that being said, my friend Sagar and I are talking about going out to Sweden to check it out. Sounds like a good deal!
I don't know, I'm not feeling well, I need to rest, but instead, I'll be cleaning and painting, and that's okay, because that's life.
Later.

Pii 2007 - Kent, OH

2007-08-15T14:52:41Z

I'm so busy, I barely have a moment to type and catch up on this thing, but I just wanted to say that I went to Pii, and I'm so glad I did. It was a decision that I was scared about, and I would have never known that it would have gone so well! I didn't get to perform in the show becasuse I did have to go to work for two days of the week (and they were the two days that everyone was learning the songs and dances). I could have learned some of the stuff, but I decided to help with tech, because they said they were going to need me. So, I got to watch the show, and I really enjoyed it, HOWEVER I am going to make sure I'm singing and dancing next year, which is hopefully going to be in Michigan. It was weird seeing Chris again. It's been two years, and there were moments of intense awkwardness. We didn't talk for most of the week, and that was probably what was best.
Anyway, it was great reconnecting with people, and it meant the world to me that people were willing to give me a second chance. What meant the most is when people told me that they were proud of how I had my shit together. It felt good to know that people saw what I had been away doing over the past two years. I still have a long way to go.
Anyway, have to clean my room, we're trying to get the house on the market by the end of September....stressful. Shitty. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to Long Island. My family has been living here in this house for the last ten years, and my mom and dad were raised here, and Sharon has now spent the majority of her life here. I guess its just life on life's terms. There's a reason our path is heading elsewhere now. I just have to keep the faith.

The Latest

2007-07-16T16:20:53Z

I don't know, it's been a while. I didn't even look at my journal to see when the last time I posted in it was. I'm back to work, back to life, it's now been over a month. Actually, a month ago, I was at the funeral home with my mom and sister and and aunt and uncle, making all of the funeral arrangements. What a nightmare.
Transferring to Philadelphia next month, but I think I'm going to be back on reserve, which probably means I'll try to get right back to DC, because I'm not up for reserve, even though it is much closer to school, home, and Steve.
So we're going to have to sell our home on Long Island. My mom and sister have been there for 10 years. It's heartbreaking. We can't afford to live in the NY area. We're looking into all sorts of different areas, from Delaware to Georgia...all coastal states - thank God. I wish there was some sort of way out of it, but there's just not. As my aunt said, I guess I could start playing the lottery. Ha.
I've been spending time with friends, near and far....meeting up with people on my overnights, reconnecting with friends from the past...all positive stuff. I've heard a lot of "You're one of the strongest people I know". Me?!?! I'm just trying to get by....just trying to hang on. Life is okay and it sucks at the same time. I'm getting mentally prepared to re-enter the school realm hardcore in approximately one month. I'm looking forward to the challenge, and it will sure as hell be one.
I've made one monumental decision. I have to move out with my mom for now, and if Steve doesn't come, it's over. I've had it. I love him. We just got back from an amazing vacation in Disney World. We had a blast, as we always do on vacation, but what about the real world? This guy still lives with is mom, and has always lived in the same bubble. He has no world view. How could he? He's never had to worry about a bill. He's never struggled. He's never suffered. In the words of a great author and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, you MUST suffer to achieve any sort of enlightenment. He's right. Steve is a good guy, with a good heart. He'll do anything for people in his world, but sees nothing outside of it. He's barely making it in school, and I won't help him anymore. That's his deal. He needs to motivate himself to do well. Anyone can do it. He's taking two easy ass classes. Whatever. What is he going to do with the rest of his life. He's 27. If he doesn't know what he wants to do, that's fine, but tough shit...he has to do something better than what he's doing right now. He has to have some sort of a backup plan. To me, it's just common sense. I may not have a set career for several years, but I have a plan, and I've set up goals and milestones along the way, and I've achieved almost all of them. Sometimes it was a lot of work, and sometimes it sucked, but I still got where I needed to be. That's what he needs to do, and he's not doing it. I like ambition in an individual. I think it's important. I also like to be appreciated. Sometimes I'm not sure if he appreciates me. My friends tell me how proud they are more than he does. He'll do anything for me, but I don't want his money, I want his love, affection, attention. It's just so complicated. I don't need to deal with any more loss than I already have right now. Thankfully, it'll take a while before this moving process really goes underway. The house on Long Island is nowhere near ready to go on the market yet. Hopefully that will buy him the time he needs to grow up.
I'm sad because I'm in Dallas and nobody from my crowd in Frisco has called or tried to get me up there for the noon meeting. They're all busy with their lives I suppose. Whatever.
It's all good.

The End

2007-06-17T16:24:00Z

My dad passed on June 15, 2007 at 8:47pm. My mom, my sister, and I were all with him. It was horrible and amazing at the same time. As his spirit left his body, there was this peace that overcame me. It's something I'm not sure that I can even describe, but instead of flipping out and breaking down, I was able to be strong for my family. I'm sure at some point I will break down. This morning was a little rough. Steph and I went to church and everything was about Father's Day. That just sucks, you know?
He's not in pain anymore, and he was very uncomfortable for way too long. My dad took pride in his freedom - his ability to do what he wanted when he wanted. He couldn't stand to be confined to a hospital bed - not even for one day. It crazy to think he was working two weeks ago...and now hes gone.
Anyway, I have to go work on wake/funeral stuff...there's a lot to do.
Im so grateful for the family and friends that have been there unconditionally. It's amazing - at times like this - you see how many people really do care...

Broken

2007-06-14T04:31:06Z

y dad is getting really weak. He has approximately 7-10 days left to live. Today is his 60th birthday, and I'm so grateful for the time I've had with him. He has lived a great life with a family that loves him very much. He was a hard worker, who in all of his working years called out of work sick less than ten times. He was also very healthy. He was one who strived for perfection and encouraged myself and my sister to do the same. He is incredibly strong. I really think I believed that he was immortal. Then again, I bet a lot of people see their parents that way....
I'm completely and utterly broken. There's nothing in my life that even matters compared to this, and I'd give anything in the world to have him back, healthy and strong. I know that's not going to happen, even when people say we have to hope for a miracle. His process of leaving this world has already begun. A huge part of me is dying with him.
For those of you who didn't know my dad, you should of. Of course we've had our ups and downs over the years, but he's an individual that so many people learned from. Since our childhood, my dad has always taught us to appreciate nature by going for walks, or nice drives. When we were kids, he'd take us to feed the ducks every Saturday at a pond near our house. We'd have barbeques at the beach. He would have been such a great grandfather. As I said before, he strived for perfection. When I got a 4.0 this past semester, he just smiled. There was nothing he or I could say to complain. His influence had rubbed off, and I too no longer settle for less than perfect either, especially when it comes to school. My dad always fought for us. He made sure that we received the best of everything that was around. He sacrificed relaxation time to work hard, and help put us through school. My dad loved to laugh, and have a good time. There was always a laugh if he was in the same room.
I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle, and my dad used to have one when he was younger. I finally had enough money saved to start working on my motorcycle license, and I brought it up to my dad to see if he wanted to join me, but it was too late. I found out the next day about his diagnosis of liver cancer.
Fuck cancer.
Watching the strongest man I know die like this...the pain is not even describible. He hasn't eaten in two days, he's getting so weak....I'm not even sure he's going to be able to get out of bed anymore.
I just want my dad back. I know I have to accept this, but I don't want to, you know?
I just want my dad back.

Myrtle Beach

2007-06-10T02:54:51Z

Greetings! This place is awesome. I had a great time, but the second I'm alone, my heart breaks, I wonder if I should be here or at home...my head just goes into a complete confused rush. I have to work because I have to pay bills and debts, and there is no more breaks, we all need the money we make. This is what my family keeps telling me, but of course some of my friends tell me that if I don't spend some time at home, I'll really regret it. I feel like I'm out having fun, and I am, but I'm working, and this is what I do for work. It's a rough predicament. Trust me, every MOMENT I can be home, I will, it's just a matter of figuring out if I need to be home more than that. I think I'll probably drop one trip this month, and then a few next month? I don't freakin' know.
I'm heartbroken. I keep thinking maybe this won't really happen. I want my dad to see his grandchildren....to be there when my sister and I graduate college, get married, have kids. I want him to retire with mom, and move down south like they wanted to, and have a nice life with lots of time to relax.
I wish we went on that Key West trip we were planning back in February.
I wish my dad went to the doctor sooner. Oh wait, he was going to the doctor. That fucker. I'm going to have to do some research to see if we can sue him or not, for not catching this earlier when my dad was seeing him every three months. Fuck him.
I still want to think there's a way out.
I'm trying to live my life, and not base it all on what's happening right now. I am not this life situation, and I do alright until I'm alone, and then I just fall apart, and my boyfriend just hears it and hears it. I know he's sick of it, but he says he's not. He says he's there for me.
I feel alone a lot, but I do need to thank the people who have taken time out of their days to call or spend time with me. It helps more than words can say.
I've been forgetting things, not thinking straight...for days...and today, I left my wallet somewhere. THANK GOD we're in South Carolina. Someone actually returned it to the hotel counter (it must have dropped in the parking lot of something) and it had everything (including 30 dollars cash) still inside.
Some people are good I suppose.
Life is still definately sucking though.

We're Sad

2007-06-07T02:42:08Z

Alcora and I just wasted half of the night playing the iLike challenge, and I am now a music genius! Totally lame. Now we're playing with her dog that needs massive ammounts of attention and now I'm going to bed because I have to wake up at freakin' 4 in the morning to start this stupid pointless trip. UGHHHH

Dreams

2007-06-05T15:20:51Z

I hate having dreams, they always creep me out. I don't remember the last time I had a good dream, and I always get stuck in them - in other words it's even harder to wake up and come out of them. I need some time in my freakin' day where my mind just shuts up...you know?
Yesterday I was given some phone numbers and connections for my dad to get his test results looked at again. I think a second opinion is at hand, especially when we are talking about a death sentence. Hopefully they'll use the numbers...I really don't know with them anymore.
Well, I'm away from that house, so I'm going to try to have a nice day. I feel guilty being away as much as I am (I'm away enough with my job) but sometimes I just need a break....

Yesterday

2007-06-04T13:33:51Z

Despite everything, I made plans to go surfing with Jill, so we went surfing. The problem? The water was freakin' FREEZING!!! I lasted 15 minutes, Jill couldn't even last that. I caught a wave and stood up for a second and then the board went flying out in front of me. It was quite amusing. I guess I have to wax more of the board. Anyway, when we came out of the water my skin was turning purple. That kind of scared the shit out of me. The rest of the day it was raining and shitty. We stopped at our favorite surf shop, Ocean Grove, and then drove back the long way to check out some of the beach towns we've never been to before. Long Branch was kind of cool. I somehow missed getting to Red Bank, which I really wanted to go to.
So then I drove home and Steve followed. It was a rough ride because of the rain (and the fact that my car doesn't have any windshield wipers).
My phone broke yesterday morning on my way to Jersey, so today I have a bunch of errands which include buying a new damn phone. I'm thrilled. Discover card will have to wait a few more weeks.
The hell with them.

The Worst News I've Ever Heard

2007-06-03T04:16:21Z

My dad isn't going to get through this. The tumor is 8cm - which is huge, and on top of that the liver has cirrosis, and a couple of small tumors, and it is already failing. He is going back for one more appointment, but that's just to check his blood levels one more time. There's not much hope left. A few people have said to pray for a miracle, but....having hope might just turn around and hurt me more in the end. There's not much more to say.
My dad won't meet his grandchildren, walk me down the aisle when I get married. I have to hold on tight to the time I have left, and damnit...I guess hope for a miracle, even though it may hurt me. My mom and my sister are hurting so bad. So am I. Our lives are going to change, and my dad isn't going to be there to keep us strong. I guess we have to keep eachother strong.
I guess prayers are still needed.

A Few More Days Off!

2007-06-02T18:26:55Z

This is great, I'm trying not to think about how the rest of the month is going to be complete hell as far as working goes, and this month, my goal is to save money - save, save, save, so I can take care of some business. I'm going to bring food on my trips, and not eat out so much. Maybe I'll lose some weight that way too.
Speaking of business, I took care of some today. Paid some bills, filled out my FAFSA for next year, and get this - I even called Discover Card - who I haven't spoken to in years. God knows what kind of balance I have with those people. Anyway, I just had the guts to do it, but they're only open Mon-Fri, and when I gave the lady my social, I swear I heard some kind of sigh or gasp (see, I'm freakin' paranoid). Yeah I messed up. At least I was trying to call to freakin' fix it...but after I got off the phone with them, I was completely nauseous. We'll see if I'm in the same mind set on Monday. I seriously doubt it.
I'm going surfing tomorrow! Jill and I are just trying to decide where. I think I'll probably go to NJ, because it's easier for me to travel with my 7'0 board than it is for her to travel with her 9'0, though I really wanted to check out the surfing here on Long Island. Oh well. The waves won't be great but I still suck so that's okay! I would have gone today as well but Sharon says she's too burnt to go, so...guess not.
Oh, so my last night of the trip was spent in Bangor, Maine. That has to be the most pointless place I've ever been. There was maybe one or two cute OVERPRICED shops in the "downtown" area. I wonder how people could even afford that stuff, and why they'd even be in Bangor. The airport and the hotel were totally from the 80's and the people were not friendly at all. At all. And diversity? Non existant. Everyone looks the same, and being a NYer, that's rather boring. So, though I love Portland, Maine, and I looked forward to going to Bangor because I thought it would be similar, it isn't, and I cant say I'm the biggest fan.
Getting home yesterday night was hell. I was up at 5am, didn't get home until after midnight. I worked 5 legs, which I am going to make every effort to make sure doesn't EVER happen again, and then had to wait on a delayed flight home. The benefit? I made a shit ton of money on this trip, because we were delayed on the plane a whole bunch due to thunderstorms! It sucks when the passengers are bitching, but it sure as hell does pay off later!
So I'm going to do some cleaning today, maybe stop at the surf shop even though I can't go surfing....blah!
And then I see Steve tomorrow night =)
Until next time...

Yeah.

2007-05-31T05:12:10Z

I should be sleeping, especially since I have to be up in less than 4 hours, but I can't sleep. I'm in a hotel that's right near a hospital, I keep hearing sirens every few minutes, the wind is making this obnoxious noise, and someone tried to get into my room before! It happens, they probably thought this was their room, but it still freaked me out. I don't even want to go in the shower now, so I've been procrastinating by being online.
My dad went to the hospital today, and they gave him meds for his cough, and stuff to make him more comfortable, but they didn't start any treatments or make any huge decisions, according to my mom. She said he was too tired, so he's going back for tests next week. NEXT WEEK. The guy is deteriorating, and he's going to get meds to numb everything while this freakin' tumor grows?!?! And my mom didn't say anything?! Unfreakinbelievable. That's all I can say about that.
I had a passenger call me the worst flight attendant he's ever had tonight? Why? Because when he asked me for a Diet Coke, it didn't come out of my ass immediately with a glass of ice for him. At most, it might have taken me three minutes to get it to him, only because I had to walk to the back of the plane and get it. He told the gate agent that it took me 20 minutes. I'm thinking....am I nuts? I know it didn't take that long. What a fucking prick. He can go to hell...seriously...I'm sick of that kind of bullshit. That wasn't an exaggeration, that was a blatent lie, and I can't deal with crap like that. I need to put a rush on this college degree...
My captain said to me today that I'm a pessimist. He's right. I guess I'm going to have to try to change that. That will be my summer resolution, we'll see how that goes....

A Great Mini Vacation

2007-05-29T03:49:16Z

Delaware was awesome, so was the Jersey Shore. Jill and I started off by going to Ocean Grove, Point Pleasant, and Long Beach Island. Yes I bought a surf board...at Ron Jon's, because that's where I got the best deal. I just got a beginner board. It's 7'0" and blue, and is foam. I then had to get the bag and the car rack, so everything was over $200.00. Jill got one too, hers was a bit more expensive because it was a 9 footer. Either way, Ocean Grove was the best. I'm more into these quiet towns, and Ocean Grove is a dry town with a gorgeous beach, and awesome shops, including an awesome surf shop.
The next day, Steve and I headed off to Bethany Beach, Delaware. My aunt and uncle got a house there, 5 blocks from the ocean and right on the canal, a couple of years ago and I hadn't had the opportunity to visit it yet. So I figured with all of the time I had off this was a great opportunity. In addition, my godfather was celebrating his 70th birthday, so there was quite the party going on. We had a great time. Steve and I went walking on the boardwalk at night and during the day, visited Ocean City, MD, and Rehoboth Beach, and had LOTS of italian ice. I think thats my new addiction. Forget Starbucks =) We went to the beach too, but it was really hard for me to find a place to surf. I wasn't allowed to surf anywhere in Bethany until after 5:30 in the evening, and it was too cold at that point. I didnt bring my wet suit, only my rash guard and my board shorts, so it was cold enough going in during the day! The water was 58 degrees to be exact, but I went in, and I caught a wave - just one. The waves really sucked...they were almost non existant one day, and the other it started thundering so we got kicked off of the beach.
We went kyacking too. Can you imagine - Steve kyacking?! LOL! It was fun. We went from the canal to the nearby salt pond, and then Steve decided it was time to turn around. I didn't want to, but the slight argument caused some tipping of the boat, so I gave in! Better to give in than to be consumed by the salt pond!
So anyway, yeah...we had a great time. It took 7 hours to get there on Friday unfortunately. Steve blew a tire pulling out of his driveway so we left 3 hours late, and that killed us, but that'll be a funny story we can tell one day. We weren't amused at the time. We were impressed however by our time getting home. We left at 10:30 this morning and we were back by 3. I then had to drive back to Long Island to get ready for work tomorrow.
UGH!!! Back to work!! For 4 days, then off for another 5!!! =) This is why I love my job! Then I work 6 on, 2 off, 4 on, 3 off twice, and that's the rest of my month. That's why I hate my job! I must say my feelings over all are more love than hate at the moment.
My dad just started coughing again...ugh...
PLEASE - say a prayer for him. His appointment at the hospital is coming up, on Wednesday. I'm trying to stay hopeful. We need all of the positive prayers we can get. He's seeing what has been said to be the best doctor at the best cancer center in the US of A. Hopefully that means he can fix this...hopefully.
On that night, must sleep, because I have a SUPER long day tomorrow.
Yippee yahoo!

dazedndreamin @ 2007-05-23T13:01:00

2007-05-23T17:12:28Z

My dad wouldn't stop coughing. I wish he could control it. The only time he isn't coughing is when he's sleeping and I think he finally just fell asleep. He's only working half days, that's all that he can do right now. Then he comes home and doesn't really leave bed the rest of the day. His appointment at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center is on the 30th. He's suffering. I don't want him to suffer, I want him to get better - obviously. I'm packing for my vacation at the beach, and I'm about to get ready for my first planned television appearance (I've been interviewed on the news a few times).
Anyway...my sister is rotten and she's pissing me off. She's trying to be nice to me - thinking that I forgot about the fact that she still owes me money that she hasn't paid to me. What an idiot. I'm being cordial to her, but that's it. We haven't hung out. She offered to have lunch with me and I didn't go. I went out and I didn't invite her, and we were hanging out all of the time before this bullshit started. She just so self-centered, and at a time where she really can't be. I am not being mean to her because of everything, but I'm not going to be more than cordial to her either. I'm always the bad guy...even when I'm not....
I mowed the lawn for my dad yesterday, and he seemed really sad about it. My allergies have been horrendous ever since, but I just felt horrible because I know he wanted to do it and he just didn't have the stregnth. I was happy to help him.
I need to take another allergy pill and hopefully get myself through this so I am not sniffling and having a headache on television...UGH! Of course this has to happen today.
Well...once all of the stressfullness is over, I'll be heading to the beach! I might even buy a surf board! We'll see....I must behave...

For The Most Part....A Nice Day

2007-05-22T04:30:51Z

Well, this morning sucked. The last working day on airline probation (simply because all newbies are on it for the first nine months) was quite difficult. One passenger was wayyyy close to getting kicked off the plane. I wanted to kick the f**ker off of the plane, but I also wanted to get out on time so that I got home on time FOR MY VACATION!!! WHO HOO! Vacation has begun. I must say I'm quite content about this.
Anyway...so Steph calls me right before my last flight and tells me to call her when I get home, so we go out to eat, and then we decide to call Brett, another friend from high school, and then we go to Starbucks and we run into Adam Chaimowitz, who I used to be good friends with in high school, and haven't seen since! It was mega cool. So we decided we were going to hang one of these days, and Brett and I will hang, and Steph and I will always hang, and it's nice.
It was nice to have some peace today. On my flight back home, I sat on the back of the plane, it was dead quiet, and we got a tour of New York City that rich people would have payed thousands for! It was freakin awesome - because it was so peaceful. As I got closer to the ground, I saw the cars in traffic jams, we landed, the cell phones came back on, people started yapping, then I got outside and heard car horns honking...it's nice to be up in the sky, away from it all, when I have time to actually enjoy it!
That's my day in a nutshell I suppose!!!