Okay, so not updating this thing like I used to means that EVERYTHING has changed since I last posted. I may post some things I put up on Facebook just so that people can see what's going on. I really need to use this more and was inspired by some friends to start up on it again. Anyway, Steve and I are done. I'm with someone else. Umm...I lost my job. I graduated from Northampton with my associates, and am applying to schools all over the country for the fall. Tomorrow, I start a new job with the Arc of Morris County. Basically, I will be working in a home for the developmentally disabled, caring for the people who live there. I believe there are six individuals, from what I hear, all of them are non-verbal. I am really nervous about the job, but I need to be grateful that I have a job right now, and pray for the willingness to be open-minded tomorrow.
The new relationship definitely has its ups and downs. I need to start dealing with my fears, because they are causing harm on both ends. I did a lot of reaching out today, and I feel positive about the days ahead. Instead of doing massive updates once every few months, I'll really try to keep this thing going. We'll see how that works out =)

location: Home - Fair Lawn, NJ music: Miss Independent

Time drifts slowly,
Im so far away
from everything I know.
Lost and confused,
I dont know what to do.
Something is missing within me.
I cant stay and yet I cant go
and I just want you to know
the emptiness.
Its shut me down.
I need to turn my life around,
and forget.
Is something within me not willing yet?
The inward battle that I face
has left me a disgrace,
chasing reality.
Not able to be found,
I turn my head around,
and it starts all over again.

Thinking back to light, warmth, and love,
Took a journey,
And two days later came back,
To a place that was dark, closed, and empty.
Sending a chill down my spine,
That saddened my heart.
Though falling apart is sometimes easier than carrying on,
I must stay strong.

I'm really bad at catching up on this thing, but I'm not going to give up - it's amazing I've been able to keep a journal for this long! I suppose life is good. I'm really starting to make friends here in NJ and feel connected. I'm getting my associates degree (God willing all of my classes go alright) in December, and I'm stoked about that. So now, I'm in the middle of trying to prepare for January admissions, but I'm so strung that I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. Im stressed to the point of shutting down, and if I don't "wake up" soon, I'm going to do some serious damage to my GPA. So anyway, tomorrow I am going to do something I should be doing every day, and meditate and pray. It always helps, but for some reason I don't use it enough. Anyway, it's way late, but I just thought about LJ, and wanted to update really quick. Ciao!

What's behind this wall you hold,
Shattered dreams, stories never told,
Hopes for the future, experience to share,
I gave what I could, without a care,
But I took too much, I took a chance,
My heart said try, and so I danced.
The wind carried me so fast I lost control.
I fell to the ground, and without a sound,
Everything inside of me crushed,
I went with the rush and forgot something vital!
Before you dance with the wind you must know how to fly,
Though to learn these lessons I suppose you have to try,
And fail; and that's okay,
Tomorrow is another day.
And the day after that is another chance too,
I know I'll be able to make this right with you.
But if I'm wrong once again, my friend,
There are some things one can not mend.
I pray that this chapter will never end.

I just have to vent really quick - and then I'll go back to studying. I fell asleep in my hotel room last night with my TV on, and woke up at some point to hear something about a suicide bombing on the U.S. Embassy in Yemen, so when I got up this morning, I flipped through the TV, and all they were talking about was the damn economy, so I figured maybe I'm crazy - maybe I was dreaming - what a messed up dream!
So then I go downstairs to have breakfast with the other flight attendant and I ask her about it and she says "No, all I've heard about on the news is the economy." Alright, so now I really think I'm crazy.
So I go back to my room, go on CNN.com, and it's there! It happened! I heard it right, but instead of being worried about our national security, what are we worried about? MONEY! Even the White House spokesperson is talking about the economy!
We're certainly not going to have an economy if we don't have a country. Maybe THIS attack was on foreign soil, but it was still on the United States.
Good glory....
For those of you who want to hear about it, because it's not on TV...at least on Fox's and MSNBC's website, it was the "lead" story.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/meast/09/17/yemen.blast/index.html
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,423823,00.html
I'll continue to pray for our country, and those who are defending it. Then I'll pray for these deceived extremists who bring a bad name to Muslims everywhere, and cause fear in the countries that they inhabit.

Okay, so I guess I had better let people know what's been going on with me, as I have been miserable, have been staying home, and haven't really felt like talking about it.
It all started back in the beginning of July. I was having a little bit of knee pain, but it went away with rest, so I thought.."no big deal." Well, I was wrong.
On a hike about 3 weeks ago, I felt like one of my knees disconnected fro the rest of my body. Thankfully I was smart enough to go to the doctor and my intuition was right - I disconnected both of my knees, and at the very least - pulled some muscles. So, I have been sentenced to NO physical activity for the moment, and physical therapy for 8-10 weeks. This is all granted that I did not tear anything. If I tore anything, but didn't break it, I'll have to sit and suffer and do nothing until I do break it (and trust me I will) and then I'll have to have surgery. Only an MRI will tell...
But anyway, why such frustration? Anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that the fate with my arms was very similar and basically permanent. I was a musician that won a gig, and the pain was so bad every time that I picked up mallets that I just packed up my bags and walked away, throwing everything I had put my heart and soul into for years. So being outdoors and doing the sporty things I like to do - that's been my new thing lately, and now I can't do that either. That was my peace. Now I'm condemned to this apartment, where it constantly sounds like I'm in Paterson because there's always some sort of a violent movie running loudly. I feel like my spirit is gone. This is torture.
So how am I going to deal with it? I'm going to take 13 credits and work full-time. Might as well get this crap done since I can't do anything else. I'd rather be going crazy than be depressed like I am now. This is just dreadful.
Last Friday didn't help either. I started having these chest pains..and ended up in the emergency room. They did tons of tests, scared the crap out of me telling me some number was kind of high and putting me in a cat scan, and then told me that it was probably a panic attack or may have been athsma related, and sent me away. So all I could think about was "Great, so I'm crazy." The pain didn't go away - not the next day, or the day after that, or the day after that. I had to go to recurrent training in Indy (my yearly recertification to be a flight attendant) and the perfect A+ student barely got by.
So I finally got to a regular doctor earlier this week, and he has a better idea of what's going on. He said he could actually feel the inflammation in my chest muscles, and so he gave me anti-inflammatories. I might have just pulled something! I am feeling better. I guess we'll see.
In the meantime, I'm just kind of a mess. I have no idea what's happening, I hate being stuck in the apartment all of the time, and I'm in quite a bit of physical pain. I'm sleeping A LOT which is really abnormal for me, and I've gained two pounds already.
Speaking of that, I'm going to bed - If I can sleep having to listen to whatever crappy violent movie he's watching. Forget Paterson, it sounds like I'm in Washington Heights!
I'll just keep hanging in there I guess. What other choice do I have?

I decided to pick up a trip out of Denver, and so far its been a great experience, mainly because of the beautiful mountains I get to see when I look out the window! This country is full of so many amazingly beautiful places! I'll fill in more later, because I have to get ready for work, but I just have to say - the two new states I've visited - Colorado, and Idaho - are BEAUTIFUL! I'll fill in more on my life and stuff tomorrow, because its about damn time!



create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

location: Boise, Idaho mood: cheerful

Nothing is bad, life is just crazy busy! Let's see what's happening....I got a promotion! I have been admitted into the check flight attendant class on March 12, and as long as I pass the exams, we'll just say it's a raise, and I love the idea of teaching and helping others, so now I'll just get paid for it!
Steve and I have an apartment as of March 1st in Fair Lawn, NJ (his home town). In the last two days, we have completed our bedroom set. I wish I had more money to give him, but thankfully, we got good deals on everything. We kind of splurged on the Sleep Number bed (heck, who wouldn't?), but we got an entire bedroom set (real wood, really nice contemporary style) for $1200! I think that's a good deal, no? Next is the living room. I think Steve is buying the TV's tomorrow (or at least one of them). He got the cable, phone and internet turned on today. I got the electricity turned on yesterday, we sign the least on Tuesday! Lots of craziness!
In the meantime, the house in Commack is still not for sale, but we're working on it! I'm looking forward to a new carpet in my bedroom here next week.
I suppose I'll miss being at home, but I don't think I'm going to be home that much less. I promised my mom I would still come home at least overnight every other week, and Steve is totally fine with that. I can't go too long without seeing my dog and my cats!!! Or my mom and sister - LOL.
Anyway...time for a gratitude list, then off to clean and get ready for work. I'm not going to get much sleep tonight.

(1) The new apartment!
(2) An awesome sponsor
(3) A great boyfriend who is being patient through my financial trials an tribulations.
(4) A mother who is doing the same as above!
(5) The promotion!
(6) Having the opportunity to do school right this time.
(7) Looking at the Smart Car yesterday (everyone should check that thing out - it's sooooo cool!)
(8) Seeing Steph, Melinda, and Dave yesterday when they came over for dinner and dessert!
(9) Remembering to pray today.
(10) Talking to Stephen (my Texan BFF) and hearing that he prays for me. The prayers might just be working!

location: Home - Commack, NY

This wedding app thing I filled out on Facebook said I would be married in 1 year and 9 months! LOL I don't know about any of that, but...maybe soon after =p
Key West was beautiful as always, but we were sick the entire time. I've barely eaten in days. So Steven's birthday was spent laying on the beach, laying by the pool, shopping a bit, walking a bit, and sleeping. I brought him a mini breakfast in bed and got him a morning massage which he enjoyed. He wanted to try this cheeseburger place for dinner, but neither of us could eat, and the place actually kind of sucked. What luck! But he made a great point - be sick in NY where it's 20 degrees, or be sick in Key West where it's 80? I'll ALWAYS take the keys!
We stayed at the Double Tree Grand Key Resort - that place is freakin' awesome! And for the price? Highly recommended!
I got an AWESOME non-leather purse too =)
But anyway, I had to call in sick for my next three day because I can barely talk, so I have the next 6 days off. I REALLY want to take that time to catch up, because I have a lot to catch up on with school, and I need to be helping out with the house as much as I can as well, but I also need to rest.
One REALLY good thing going on? I have quit smoking for OVER A MONTH NOW!!! AND...I haven't put any weight on!! I'm still at my all time low. I'm sure this smoothie diet I'm on now that I'm sick is helping - LOL!
I had a dream, and one of my good friends (Matt K) was in it. It was one of the nights I was really, really sick and he said "Cait, you're doing too much. You need to slow down!" Dream or not, I think I get the point. Summer can't come quickly enough!

location: Home - Commack, NY mood: sick music: Mad About You - Belinda Carlisle GO 80's!!!

I am just NOT in a good space. This job I have, as "glamorous" as everyone thinks it is, doesn't pay!!! I'm back to living from paycheck to paycheck and I can't afford for that to be happening! And to think that Christmas spending was a big component in this. UGH! AHHHH! I'm starting to think that I might have to quit my job, or make some serious adjustments. I'm not sure exactly what that means yet. Might mean working a ton more - being even more tired - being away from home even more, while school work is piling up on me and I'm so busy that school is just tearing me apart and I can't care anymore. Another semester on the deans list. I don't want to blow it but I'm sooooo stressed! I'm going to Florida in a couple of days, with no money. It's just going to get worse. I feel so disconnected from the world. It's this job. I come home once every two weeks. Why would anyone want to talk to me? I'm never around!
I had better get some sleep.
Florida is going to be good, even if I can't afford it. Can't wait for that tax return!! It might just save my life. LOL

location: Huntsville, Alabama mood: cranky music: Shine Down

The last two trips have sucked, because I have been flying with the biggest idiots ever! I think I'm going to have to buddy bid in March, because this is absurd. I've never dreaded going to work, but next month (Feb), I don't fly with ONE person that I like. As a matter of fact, I can't stand any of them! How am I going to get through the month? UGH!
Just got home to Long Island. Steve picked me up at the airport. I have assignments due tomorrow but I'm just too tired to stay up and do them right now. I think I'm going to have to get some sleep and worry about them tomorrow. I have until midnight anyway.
I'm just depressed. Coming home to this house is depressing, and yet I don't want to lose it. But we're not losing it anytime soon, because it's nowhere near being ready to be put on the market! Hell, at this rate, we'll be here next Christmas too. Shit... The only good thing is possibly getting one more summer out of the deal. That would be hot....because I don't think my mom is moving anywhere near the ocean - which blows.
I'm falling asleep...tomorrow will be a better day.

mood: exhausted

What a year. I don't even know where to start, but I think I'm looking at what's ahead with anxiety and relief at the same time. I just celebrated my final Christmas in the home I've been in and out of (but here enough) for the last ten years. I took this home for granted for a long time, because I thought that it would always be here, and that Long Island and the people here would always be around when I came home. Things change.
I started this year off living in Virginia, and because of whatever circumstances, decided to move back to Long Island - which nobody even believed when I told them! I hadn't "lived" here since high school really. It was different being back this time around. I spent most of my time home with my family, and it was really nice, until of course, my dad got sick.
In the meantime, I was (and still am) doing very well in my job, school, and my recovery. I was inducted into the International Honor Society, am a part of the honors program....I speak for people in the rooms a lot because people respect what I have...I made tons of new friends over this past year...I really was on top of the world with no thought of falling.
Then my dad got sick. Then, in the middle of a six day trip, I found out he wasn't going to make it. Exactly a week later, he died. Thankfully, I made it home three days prior to his death. The most horrible moment in my family's life has been something that we have been able to overcome greatly with the AMAZING support of family and friends. The worst thing ever to happen....showed me the love and support of SO many people.
I made a decision soon after my dad's passing that my life was not going to stop. I was going to continue to work hard in school, continue the job that I loved, and continue with the life that I have chosen to live. While it was more of a struggle this past semester than previously, I made it through, and I did alright. It wasn't easy, not for one second. There were many moments that it seemed easier to give up on everything than to carry on, because I was doing a lot. Recently, things became so hectic for me that keeping in touch with my friends was near impossible. I pushed forward.
In the meantime, a lot was happening in my extended family - good and bad. A few funerals were followed by an awesome wedding. Christmas this year brought a lot of emotions up for all of us. And yet, we had eachother to get through. We did it.
I didn't wake up yesterday morning feeling sorry for myself. I woke up grateful for the house I was in, the bed I was sleeping in, and the company I was gong to have on Christmas day. We all worked hard to make sure there were gifts under the tree, and there were, but what mattered is that whether it sucked or not, we got through it. All of us. Together.
My life has changed in ways I can't even tell you this year. I've learned the value of family and friends. I've learned that hard work really does pay off in the end. I learned that consequences from the past don't magically dissapear, but if I keep working at it, I can make things better. It just takes time. I learned that time is the healer of everything. I've learned to judge less, and give second chances, despite fear of doing so. This summer, this learning experience really paid off as I reconnected with a lot of people that I missed greatly.
2008 will bring forth more changes. I should finally be done with one degree. 2 or 3 to go! I'll be transferring to finish up my two bachelors degrees. In the next few months, I'll be moving out of this house and into an apartment in New Jersey with Steve. Yes - it's actually happening. We're looking at apartments next week. It's exciting and scary. Steve and I have been learning a great deal from eachother, and we think we're ready to take the next step, and I'm so grateful that he's in my life. My mom and sister will sell this house, and move...somewhere. While there are three possibilities of where they are going as of now, God only knows. I'll leave this one to him. I have conference too look forward to in July - I can't wait already! I have lots of travels to look forward to. I'm in my cousin's bridal party, and they're getting married in about a year! Another cousin just got engaged. Here's to new beginnings!
Even in the next week, I have a lot to look forward to. On Saturday, is the Brady Family Christmas - for those of you who don't know.....my mom is one of 10 kids, and her whole side of the family gathers for this huge party and it's amazing. Sunday, I'm going swing dancing in Manhattan with some friends and cousins, and it's going to be an absolute blast!
Despite everything, I am so lucky for the people I have in my life - at work, in my family, in my fellowship, people I've known for years, people I've met randomly on airplanes and had deep conversations with. God gave me all of you for a reason. So if you're in my life, thank you for being there.
My new years resolution is a promise that I made to Steve - that I would NEVER smoke again. I plan on keeping my word. And I guess that's that.
If you could - please keep my family in your prayers. We still need them, especially when it comes to selling the house in the market we have right now. I must say though, for this moment, things are looking up for me. I see light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season, and I wish everyone the best in 2008.

location: Philadelphia, PA music: Amy Winehouse - Rehab

That's right. The semester that I've been able to pull all A's in without too much difficulty...it's not going to happen anymore. I just figured since the first half of all of these classes were relatively easy that the second half would be, and then I looked at my syllabi and I was sorely mistaken. My head is spinning. I have to take a break and then I have to do more work, and then I have to get up at 6am to go fly somewhere...and at some point tomorrow I get to go home. If the weather doesn't cancel flights. I'm sure it'll delay them...
This is the problem. I can't get B's and C's. I have to get A's, or I go wacko. I guess it's a good thing, I mean...it's paid off, but at the same time I want to do my meetings, hang with my friends, travel a little, help around my house, go to the board meeting, get my motorcycle permit, train to become a CASA, start a committee with the airline employees to recycle, and I can't do it all, but I do!!! Seriously, I think I need to slow down. =)
I really should be sleeping, or doing work. Again, this is why I don't call anyone, okay? =) AHHHHHHHHH!
It's all good. Half way through the semester as of right now, and I'm on track to a 4.0 and lots of scholarship money. I just need to stick with it a few weeks longer....
Of course any assignment I did this week was totally BSed. We'll see how my grades hold up after this...
Anyway, I'm actually not in a bad mood, I'm just overwhelmed as hell. ...and I needed to do something other than school work or work work, and that's what Facebook is good for! Yay! Procrastination complete!

Flakes. I am sick of people who are your best friends when you're around, and could care less about you when you're gone. They're freakin' everywhere. If people wonder why I don't waste my time getting to know new people unless it involves work or the other group I'm a part of, that's why. A lot of those people are flakes too, but I have to deal with them...well..because I have to, at least until the job is done.
Then most of those people are gone too.
It's freakin' everywhere...
And it's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to even reach out to people because I'm afraid that they're going to be that way, so I don't. Does that make me a flake too? Shit...
Even worse - today was just the icing on the cake. I am SO SO SO sick of people calling me to talk about themselves, and nothing but themselves. I'll give you an example from back in June, and won't say who it was.
Other Person: "Hey, what's up, you haven't called me back, where have you been?"
Me: "Ehh, it's kind of been a bad few weeks, sorry I haven't been able to call you back, my dad passed away."
Other Person: "Oh. Sorry."
(OH SORRY!!!!)
Me: "So, what's up?"
Other Person: "I'm having such a bad day today...."
and it goes on, and on, and on, about his day, about his life. And that's the only time he calls me!!!
There was another person who did something similar, but wanted to talk about his girl problems.
Look, I don't mind helping people out, or listening to people, or whatever. I actually love being able to be there for my friends...but when the same people call me and always do the same thing, and don't seem to care the least bit about what I have to say, I get sick of it!!
That makes sense, right?
Anyway....that's my rant and rave for the day.
I'm in Houston. Overwhelmed with school work. Haven't had time for much of anything else...not even on my days off.
This week, there was another funeral. My cousins lost their grandfather. My aunt lost her father. I know how that goes. Life isn't fair.
I'm actually okay, really I am...just frustrated. Just procrasinating on the homework assignment I have to finish...
So if I was supposed to call you and haven't, I'm really sorry. Life hasn't stopped. I shouldn't even be typing this, I should either be sleeping or doing homework. It's not personal. I mean...I guess I could call you at 2am =)
Anyway, I'm going to shut up now.
Thanks for letting me share!
Hahaha

location: Houston, TX mood: amused music: Jack's Mannequin

Just taking a break from my crazy life here. I just finished my first exam for social work, and I got an 87% on it. Not good...anyway...I've been home on Long Island for almost two days. I just came back from recurrent flight attendant training in Indianapolis. It's a yearly thing that is NOT fun, but what was fun was reuniting with friends and classmates (well...for the most part - LOL). One particular individual annoyed the CRAP out of me, but that's okay! Anyway... after training ended I went out to the bars with Sarah and Corinne, and it was a blast! I drank water all night and smoked cigs, but I went dancing too, and I really enjoyed it....UNTIL...my camera got stolen. I don't know how it happened, but I probably didn't close my purse and it fell out or something, or someone just jacked it. Either way, whoever found it didn't turn it in, and they got a free three month old camera. I was really pissed but my girls kept it in perspective for me, because they rock. That majorly blew, I must say, but Steve is being wonderful (as always) and is buying me a new one for my birthday that is MUCH nicer than the one I had anyway, so I suppose it's all good. I won't be able to take pictures at my cousin's bridal shower tomorrow, but things could be worse.
Next month, I'm back to my DCA base (YEAH!) and I'm hoping to spend some time with my former roomies in DC, because I miss them, and I really missed hanging out with Alcora too, so it's all good stuff going back there! I'm looking at a car this week, and get this - it's a Mercedes Benz!!! AHHHHHH! It's an old one, but still! The mileage is pretty low, it's black, and it has a sunroof! I'm getting a really good deal on it. I'll definitely post pics the day I get it (if I do). Though I do need to know (if somebody knows) what are oil changes going to cost on that thing? Can I go to a regular place? I know I'm going to have to fill it up with premium gas, but other than that, will there be a difference in upkeep price, and if so, is it a huge difference? If anyone knows, that would be a huge help to me. What's even more exciting than looking at the car this week is having lunch with Jackie again! Yay! The week after, I go to St. Louis again, and Steve is flying out with me, we're going to rent a car, and hopefully go up the arch!
Then it's my birthday, and I'm 25, so I can rent a car! Most people could care less, but I do care because it'll be awesome to be able to rent cars on my overnights if I want to go somewhere, so maybe I will!
I think that's about it for now. I have to go pack for my four day trip. This week...Columbus, Charlotte, St. Louis.
Later!

location: Home - Commack, NY mood: content music: If that stupid "Hey There Delilah" song doesn't get the F**K out of my head!!!!

It's harder than ever.
Maybe that's why I can't sleep...why any motivation I have had has gone completely down the drain.
I want to pretend that I'm okay, pretend that everything is perfect.
I can't anymore.
It just keeps getting worse.
I'm not giving up.
I was supposed to tack on a third class on October 1st.
That being said, I'm having a hard enough time getting through what I have. I'm getting A's still, it's not hard, I just don't care enough about it.
There's too many other things going on.
This semester, I'll probably have to move...again, except this time, I'm losing my roots. When I go "home" from work on my days off, I'm not going to have anywhere to go home to.
I'm not going to have the familiar faces, houses and places I took for granted for so long.
I feel so alone with this. Even if you've been there, it's different for everyone. That's what I'm learning.
I'm on my own with this.
Myself and my higher power.
We'll come out on the other side.
I'm too stubborn not to.
I'm speaking tonight...giving my experience, strength and hope to people who may not have much hope left.
But do I?
I did....
I have to remember what I recently told someone that I was helping.
Once I get beyond the clouds, all there will be is blue skies.
It's just getting there...
It might be a while.

Everything is just crazy. Here is the first moment that I've honestly had time to post a journal entry....since the last time I did (duh...yeah...anyway...). Life is kind of sucking right now. My days off are overwhelmed with packing, painting, cleaning....I haven't had a day to rest in God knows how long - I honestly can't remember. The last few days, I've been super depressed. I've been feeling like I'm getting sick for the second time in a month. The weather up here SUCKS. I mean, I'm wearing sweatshirts in August (ugh!). It might be too cold to go surfing like I wanted to, although the water is probably warm. It might actually be warmer than it is outside...lol.
I start school on Monday, I'm looking forward to it. Just one more thing to keep my mind occupied.
In the past week, I've stayed quite busy. I was in Buffalo for one overnight, and Mike and his new girlfriend Danielle came down and met up with Michelle (the other flight attendant) and I and we went to Canada and pulled an all-nighter at the casino. I lost 40 bucks, and that was probablys stupid, but whatever. We had fun. Danielle is cool. However, I don't think I could do an all-nighter like that again. The next day, Michelle and I overnighted in Bangor, Maine, and I wanted to take a short walk, that ended up being about 6 miles long! It was great for me, but not when I'm so tired. Then I had out and backs in Philly for two days, and those are the most exhausting because by the time I get back to Adam's (my friend that I stay with when I'm working in Philly), eat, check my e-mail and stuff, and get to bed, I get minimal work done before I have to go to sleep, get minimal sleep, and then get back up to go to work. Yesterday I was so tired, I took a taxi and wasted another 30 bucks, just so I could sleep another 45 minutes. That's how tired I am.
Yesterday was my mom's birthday, and she said she had a good day. We took her to one of her favorite restaurants - my sister, the boyfriends, and three of my mom's sisters, and we had a good time. All that mattered to me was that she had a good day, so if she's happy, I'm happy.
Anyway, I wish I was in a better mood, I wish things were better. I'm still glad to have my job, glad to have Steve, glad to have my family....
Things just suck right now.
The bills are overwhelming. Tell me - how do I get a 4.0 grade point average last semester with a cummulative of a 3.74 and not get a DIME of scholarship money?! NOT A DIME? And how do I make (by the books) like 18,000 a year and not get a dime of financial aid? It just frustrates me, because I worked my ass off for these grades, and worked my ass off for the last year to pay my tuition out of pocket. I think I need to move to another freakin' country. An acquaintance of mine just moved to Sweden a few months ago, and they PAY him to go to college! UGH! Anyway, that being said, my friend Sagar and I are talking about going out to Sweden to check it out. Sounds like a good deal!
I don't know, I'm not feeling well, I need to rest, but instead, I'll be cleaning and painting, and that's okay, because that's life.
Later.

location: Home - Commack, NY mood: annoyed music: Louder Than Words - Jonathan Larson

I'm so busy, I barely have a moment to type and catch up on this thing, but I just wanted to say that I went to Pii, and I'm so glad I did. It was a decision that I was scared about, and I would have never known that it would have gone so well! I didn't get to perform in the show becasuse I did have to go to work for two days of the week (and they were the two days that everyone was learning the songs and dances). I could have learned some of the stuff, but I decided to help with tech, because they said they were going to need me. So, I got to watch the show, and I really enjoyed it, HOWEVER I am going to make sure I'm singing and dancing next year, which is hopefully going to be in Michigan. It was weird seeing Chris again. It's been two years, and there were moments of intense awkwardness. We didn't talk for most of the week, and that was probably what was best.
Anyway, it was great reconnecting with people, and it meant the world to me that people were willing to give me a second chance. What meant the most is when people told me that they were proud of how I had my shit together. It felt good to know that people saw what I had been away doing over the past two years. I still have a long way to go.
Anyway, have to clean my room, we're trying to get the house on the market by the end of September....stressful. Shitty. It's going to be hard to say goodbye to Long Island. My family has been living here in this house for the last ten years, and my mom and dad were raised here, and Sharon has now spent the majority of her life here. I guess its just life on life's terms. There's a reason our path is heading elsewhere now. I just have to keep the faith.

location: Home - Commack, NY music: Aimee Mann - That's Just What You Are

I don't know, it's been a while. I didn't even look at my journal to see when the last time I posted in it was. I'm back to work, back to life, it's now been over a month. Actually, a month ago, I was at the funeral home with my mom and sister and and aunt and uncle, making all of the funeral arrangements. What a nightmare.
Transferring to Philadelphia next month, but I think I'm going to be back on reserve, which probably means I'll try to get right back to DC, because I'm not up for reserve, even though it is much closer to school, home, and Steve.
So we're going to have to sell our home on Long Island. My mom and sister have been there for 10 years. It's heartbreaking. We can't afford to live in the NY area. We're looking into all sorts of different areas, from Delaware to Georgia...all coastal states - thank God. I wish there was some sort of way out of it, but there's just not. As my aunt said, I guess I could start playing the lottery. Ha.
I've been spending time with friends, near and far....meeting up with people on my overnights, reconnecting with friends from the past...all positive stuff. I've heard a lot of "You're one of the strongest people I know". Me?!?! I'm just trying to get by....just trying to hang on. Life is okay and it sucks at the same time. I'm getting mentally prepared to re-enter the school realm hardcore in approximately one month. I'm looking forward to the challenge, and it will sure as hell be one.
I've made one monumental decision. I have to move out with my mom for now, and if Steve doesn't come, it's over. I've had it. I love him. We just got back from an amazing vacation in Disney World. We had a blast, as we always do on vacation, but what about the real world? This guy still lives with is mom, and has always lived in the same bubble. He has no world view. How could he? He's never had to worry about a bill. He's never struggled. He's never suffered. In the words of a great author and spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, you MUST suffer to achieve any sort of enlightenment. He's right. Steve is a good guy, with a good heart. He'll do anything for people in his world, but sees nothing outside of it. He's barely making it in school, and I won't help him anymore. That's his deal. He needs to motivate himself to do well. Anyone can do it. He's taking two easy ass classes. Whatever. What is he going to do with the rest of his life. He's 27. If he doesn't know what he wants to do, that's fine, but tough shit...he has to do something better than what he's doing right now. He has to have some sort of a backup plan. To me, it's just common sense. I may not have a set career for several years, but I have a plan, and I've set up goals and milestones along the way, and I've achieved almost all of them. Sometimes it was a lot of work, and sometimes it sucked, but I still got where I needed to be. That's what he needs to do, and he's not doing it. I like ambition in an individual. I think it's important. I also like to be appreciated. Sometimes I'm not sure if he appreciates me. My friends tell me how proud they are more than he does. He'll do anything for me, but I don't want his money, I want his love, affection, attention. It's just so complicated. I don't need to deal with any more loss than I already have right now. Thankfully, it'll take a while before this moving process really goes underway. The house on Long Island is nowhere near ready to go on the market yet. Hopefully that will buy him the time he needs to grow up.
I'm sad because I'm in Dallas and nobody from my crowd in Frisco has called or tried to get me up there for the noon meeting. They're all busy with their lives I suppose. Whatever.
It's all good.

location: Irving, Texas mood: okay music: Chris Brown - Let's Talk